Wednesday, June 27, 2012

10 common ways to ruin your mojo right before climbing.


1. Stuff your face with a massive meal (or 2).

I’m not talking about snacking on trail mix and/or energy bars. I’m talking about a delicious breakfast, or a mid day lunch. Starvin Marvin devours a bowl of Vietnamese soup.


 2. Drink too much… fluid.

It's still early in the morning and a bit chilly. You made a cup of coffee to sip on while getting things ready. Caffeine is the best way to get your bowel movement activated. Too late. Belay is on. Climb.

On a multipitch, you’re going wet yourself when you’re flexing every single muscle in your body as you almost make it pass the crux.




3. Humans and their loud volume.
Screaming. Cheering. Clapping. Yelling. Chatty belayer(s).
Your neighbor is sending the first 5.9 of her life.
The noise remains constant during your climb.

 
4. Rushing.
You’re running out of time. You have fifteen minutes to make it back to the car before the park closes. It’s raining and screaming hail; tornado is in the vicinity, and you need to clean the route because your 3 thousand dollars worth of gear is still up there, staring at you.


5. A ten minute “Intensive” work-out.
Everybody has different definition of what an intense work-out means. Mine, for example, is to do either squats or deadlifts with a 32kg kettlebell for 10 minutes to see how many reps you can accomplish. That’s just great.

But your grip is shit now. And your hamstrings are doing the Elvis-leg. F#%@!




6. Long hikes to the crags.
When you’re out of shape and the only way to get there is to scramble your way up with 60 lbs of climbing gear and booze on your back, forget it.




 7. Insects.
That itchy feeling from the starving mosquitoes, that throbbing pain from them nasty wasps, the annoying pinches from those stubborn flies, etc…, you name them, they’re the blessing devils of nature. By the way, “Off” doesn’t keep the flies off, I promise.



8. Applying lotion.
… or sticky, creamy stuff, like insect repellant, or SPF cream... Guess what, your hands will be slipping and sliding like a grease ball while trying to perform an epic side-pull off a crack.


9. Sex.
Disclaimer: this picture was not me. I stole it from the internet.
Who wouldn’t feel frisky when the 2 of you are in a secluded crag, surrounded by the beauty of nature? The twitter pated birds are singing. The romance of being in love while sharing and doing something that you both enjoy is in the air. Well, keep those pants on and place your hands on the rocks, not your belaying partner. Save that lust for later "in-tents".






 
10. Dehydration.
‘Nuff said. 






That's all I can come up with, as I've experienced every one of them at least once. Enlighten me with your stories.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

MN License Plates


I was wondering, is it just me, or is there a profane amount of vanity plates in Minnesota? Like an opulence of vanity. I don’t think it’s just that noticing them, I really do think they’ve become a lot more popular. I’m pretty sharp when it comes to out-of-state of foreign license plates. So, I don’t think it’s just in my head. I can’t find any data or articles to suggest that MN has a disgusting abundance of vanity plates, but my eyes don’t lie. Worst of all, they’re often inaccurate and worthy of derision. For example, that guy with the non-ironic “PhatCat” on his plate –you’re not a “phat” cat if you’re driving a Nissan Altima. Sorry.
I don’t even know if I should be making cracks about other people and their cars. Mine has something looking exactly similar to this: